When we say we want more confidence, what do we actually mean? Have we made a mistake in our quest for confidence?
The general thinking goes, if we know ourselves, trust ourselves and have a clear objective, we can take on the world. In this, the solution comes from within and doesn’t account for the systems we live within, nor the ways in which they influence the confidence available to us.
Where do you feel confident? Who gives you confidence? What doesn’t?
Women will often talk about wanting more confidence. What I think is missing from the conversation is the impact of our environments upon our confidence.
Imagine walking down a street. How is your confidence if you know it well? If it’s busy? Late at night? You’re alone? If everyone is white? If no-one is? Confidence changes with context. Now, I can set out to walk confidently down every street I visit, but the reality of each of these experiences, and the experiences we have already had will influence the confidence available to us in the moment.
At a corporate event a few years ago, we had 30 women at a drinks reception. Some of the senior leaders joined. Senior leaders who spend their time in all male environments. Senior leaders who confidently sit on boards and present to large groups. Men, when at an event just for woman were, you guessed it, not very confident.
In the past year, I have had a baby. What they don’t tell you when you have a baby is that along with a baby comes permission for others to talk to you in ways that are designed to erode your confidence and leave you with doubt. The kinds of things I’m talking about include;
Now, I’d say I’m pretty confident. I’m happy to make my own decisions and I’m comfortable handling the ambiguity that comes with the ever changing and unpredictable nature of little people. But the context I now find myself in is one where I am endlessly invited to explain and justify my choices. I am spoken to as if I am not able to make my own choices and left feeling exhausted and beaten down by unhelpful expectations and comparisons. Fighting against a system will zap you of your confidence.
When you are wearing your lucky pants, with your best friends and doing your favourite things, confidence exists. When the reality of the situation supports your confidence, you don’t need more confidence. When it doesn’t, we need strategies to respond to the environments we live in.
Maybe we just need to do things despite other people. Maybe we need to act if we are in environments that welcome and support us. Maybe we need to learn to better manage boundaries with our family and friends. Maybe we need to choose to leave places that don’t enhance our confidence. Maybe, we need extra allies to repair and recover damaged confidence as we fight to be in places that seek to exclude us. Maybe we need to be better allies to those who need us.
What I think is essential is for us to remember that confidence isn’t just an inside job. We neglect awareness of our environments at the risk of taking all the blame for a lack of confidence. In managing confidence, we must also hold accountable the places and people that sap confidence from us, seeking to challenge and change these, as much as ourselves.
Confidence is a problem. It just maybe that the problem isn’t with you.