What is it to be included?

The following thoughts came following listening to the keynote address made by Deborah Frances White at the Guilty Feminist #includeyourself2017 event on 22nd May 2017.

What is it to be included? A simple question, but one for every woman who is skirting around a role in STEM, the boardroom, or pretty much any professional grouping to consider.

Being included has long held benefits for those within the group. For those on the inside. Being on the outside is to be excluded. To have decisions made for you on your behalf. To be limited from your contributions. And, this doesn't even mean a physical exclusion. Women everywhere will tell stories of how they feel intimidated or silenced within a meeting room, or choose to avoid those kinds of places altogether.

So, What is it to be included? Well, if you are in the 'in' group… you get:

• To pitch anything. No weird idea, or bold suggestion is unwelcome. You have permission to bring yourself and your contributions. You also get recognised and valued for them.
• To point out your difference. Those who have traditionally been on the outside are constantly trying to prove their sameness in order to get in. Those who are already there can dare to be different, identify what makes you unique or special to the group and to claim what will set you apart.
• To have and get confidence. Think of the last time you walked into a place where all your friends were. How much charisma and confidence did you have? More than the last sales meeting you went to? I bet. If you know in advance that you will be included, more of you can show up. What if all networking events were like meeting old friends?
• To feel normal. All your strange and wonderful self. Welcome, present and ready to be creative, innovative, daring, valued and productive. In short, to be everything that you can be at your best.
• To benefit from opportunity. Groups with power and influence, give power and influence to the people within their groups. Well pressed public school boys or the residents of Silverdale road don't get big city jobs or Ping Pong championship medals without first being part of the group that owns the opportunities.

If you aren't at the table, you're on the menu...

Being included is important. And we know, that women typically aren't. We are all likely to have been excluded, self excluded or faced the consequences of demanding to be included (yes, you, the bossy ugly shrew). Whilst I would not want to excuse or condone the kinds of exclusion that seeks to maintain the status quo. These exclusions limit diversity, innovation and choice. They create the risks that come from homogenous thinking, and in many cases are unlawful. And so, whilst I want us to be working to challenge the status quo, I also want this...

...for more women to include themselves.

So how? If you have felt excluded, been excluded and are suffering from the lack of confidence and self esteem that come from being perpetually held on the periphery, it can be a challenge to recognise or implement the many ways in which can. Here are just a few to get you started.

1. Change the energy. Great leaders make you feel fantastic. They take responsibility for making others feel good about themselves. They change the energy of the room, a person at a time if they have to. If you are someone people want to be around, you are going to be invited back.
2. Give others status.  You can do this by making others be the hero of their story, by being interested in what they have to say. I mean c'mon ladies (who date men)... you have already been doing this - on every date you've ever been on. You've got this one.
3. Show up and stay there. Your body language is key. The person who looks cool, calm and collected is the person who is supposed to be there. The one in the corner, trying to take up as little space as possible is the imposter. And you know what happens to the imposter.

At its core, being included matters. You can wait for an invite. You can do everything in your power to be the perfect, best and most brilliant at what you do, and hope, that in doing so, to get noticed. Many of us have tried this as a strategy, and on occasion, it works. It is also exhausting, and demoralising and not enough.

There are other ways to include yourself. To be able to be heard, to contribute and to be valued. The best part? These things are things you already know. If you don't, they are things you can learn.

For more details on how, please follow me and keep your eye out for more information about resources and learning materials on developing your leadership this Autumn. Let me know too, how you already include yourself.